A few weeks ago I got a horrible cold, possibly flu. I had a fever – does that make it the flu? A temporary bump full of manageable misery. I took a sick day. I hate sick days – they make me feel anxious.
The next day I had a new job (same company, new job). And things have been going really quickly since that. Wrapping up old job responsibilities, trying to learn everything about the new job on-the-fly.
It has been exciting and it has made me pretty unhappy. I am trying not to be unhappy. I am trying to be excited for the new opportunity and stretch and to gladly take the blame for things that happened before I started this new job.
Are people allowed to be unhappy anymore? Since we discovered that it is the unhappiness that is making us unhappy, what am I to do?
I know it is so gauche to complain in 2015, but gosh, how I want to.
Tuesday night I cried. It got really bad and I cried. Like a teenage girl. I sobbed – probably a better descriptor.
There is this knot in my chest that I can’t get rid of. A ball of anxiety that just sits there. A constantly-on processor of all that is going wrong and can go wrong. Writing drafts of the things I cannot say. Calculating how much money is needed until my next paycheck and how much we have.
I am unhappy. I went to a quilt retreat this weekend. It was really excellent and I may even have some tiny germs of new friendships. But I realized how poor my sewing skills are. How much I have to learn. It really shouldn’t add to my unhappiness, I have to just remind myself it is the third thing. But the beauty and precision and evident skill of others and their work got me down a bit. Even when I slowed down and pressed seams open and concentrated on cutting accurately, my work fell short. My points weren’t pointy, my blocks were just shy of 8.5″ square. I told jealousy to go away and let inspiration in. Jealousy sort of behaved.
And after writing all that, I see why being unhappy and talking about it is so passe in 2015. Stand up, dust off, move on. Only work and time fixes things. That’s it. There is no other formula ever. There is no money coming from the sky, there is no pill to take, there is no brilliant flash of insight. Work and time. It is the only balm, or at least the only one I have. And I am so lucky that those will fix my “problems”.
And so there will be no further reports of my unhappiness in the near future. Thank you for the indulgence.