Flowers in the snow

We have gone to Colorado, specifically Estes Park, 3 years in a row now. It feels like our place, our vacation. Hopefully the kids will feel that way too as they get older and remember summers.

One of my favorite parts of the vacation is going up the mountain from warm air to cold air. I love cold – and so the opportunity to be enveloped by crisp air in July or August is relevatory to me. It is a gift for me. The first time we saw snow I kept exclaiming “That’s snow! In August – that’s snow!”

I am working on a quilt to represent Colorado memories. Rainbow log cabins, sky full of stars, mountains, and, of course, snow. This block harkens to flowers in snow for me – wildflowers and snow on the mountains – not that far from each other.

IMG_3961

And I had my toes painted white the first pedicure I got after vacation – just a reminder that not that long ago my toes were close to snow.

IMG_3953

Advertisements

deadlifts and dermabrasion

Small joys can amount to a happy life…

the feel of good deadlifts with real weight

coworkers that make work joy

a challenging and rewarding job

a squeaky clean face

finding my voice in situations where it was once lost

having experience to share

finding other humans who will expose their soft spots

an adorable kittencat who is thrilled to have you home

IMG_0114

Vacation

Hello… I am short on words today, probably because I was too free with words in my last post.  Yesterday I showed my soul, today I am going to show my camera roll. A sampling of pictures from our vacation… the aerial tram, hiking Lily Lake (and ignoring the admonition that no pets were allowed), knitting and sitting on our condo deck, taking a bumpy cold Jeep tour at Rocky Mountain National Park. Not pictured is when we rode horses, because, well, we were on horses.them

Gone

Driving up the mountain from Boulder to Estes Park.  Jeff Tweedy is serenading me.  I see a plane push up into the air making a fast vertical line of smoke.  Just as quickly, the plane dives, creates another line of smoke as it plummets to the ground and then pulls up right before crashing into the rocks.  And does it again and again.  It is so amazing, so implausible, I cry and holler and then sing with Jeff…

Remember to remember me, Standing still in your past, Floating still like a hummingbird

The plane wasn’t diving for me, the miracle existed regardless of me being on that road.  But it was all for me.


We are on vacation.  And the trip has been full of non-miracles.  The mountains, the tiny wildflowers, the waterfalls, the alpine lakes.  They don’t exist for me.  But they do.
On Monday, the first real day of our vacation, I woke up crazy early and drove to Boulder to meet with a woman who would take the pain away.  New pain and really old pain and loss and fear – gone.  Poof.  Pulling me up just before I crashed into the rocks.  

I think of big and small traumas from growing up.  And they don’t feel like they are happening.  My body isn’t bracing anymore.  The low buzz of anxiety is gone.  Gone.  Probably forever.

I have lost the desire to eat more than what I am hungry for.  Gone.  Hopefully forever.

I think of Laurie and feel joy and connectedness, not debilitating loss.  And always will forever. 

I think of stories of dumb things people said to me about being fat or ugly.  And I laugh.  Real laughter.  The anger is gone.  Forever.

This is a miracle.  But it isn’t.  It is a technique to fix the brain.  And it took 3 hours and it worked.  I am still me.  I still have to inject myself with insulin.  I still like a good nap.  I still have a gap in my smile.  But I am also not me.  I am not bracing for trauma from the past.  I am not eating to stop the buzz of anxiety.  I got to leave the parts that were keeping me from joy in Sonja’s office in Boulder.  She took them from me.  

Miracle.

For more information on Rapid Resolution Therapy, see here.