Gone

Driving up the mountain from Boulder to Estes Park.  Jeff Tweedy is serenading me.  I see a plane push up into the air making a fast vertical line of smoke.  Just as quickly, the plane dives, creates another line of smoke as it plummets to the ground and then pulls up right before crashing into the rocks.  And does it again and again.  It is so amazing, so implausible, I cry and holler and then sing with Jeff…

Remember to remember me, Standing still in your past, Floating still like a hummingbird

The plane wasn’t diving for me, the miracle existed regardless of me being on that road.  But it was all for me.

We are on vacation.  And the trip has been full of non-miracles.  The mountains, the tiny wildflowers, the waterfalls, the alpine lakes.  They don’t exist for me.  But they do.
On Monday, the first real day of our vacation, I woke up crazy early and drove to Boulder to meet with a woman who would take the pain away.  New pain and really old pain and loss and fear – gone.  Poof.  Pulling me up just before I crashed into the rocks.  

I think of big and small traumas from growing up.  And they don’t feel like they are happening.  My body isn’t bracing anymore.  The low buzz of anxiety is gone.  Gone.  Probably forever.

I have lost the desire to eat more than what I am hungry for.  Gone.  Hopefully forever.

I think of Laurie and feel joy and connectedness, not debilitating loss.  And always will forever. 

I think of stories of dumb things people said to me about being fat or ugly.  And I laugh.  Real laughter.  The anger is gone.  Forever.

This is a miracle.  But it isn’t.  It is a technique to fix the brain.  And it took 3 hours and it worked.  I am still me.  I still have to inject myself with insulin.  I still like a good nap.  I still have a gap in my smile.  But I am also not me.  I am not bracing for trauma from the past.  I am not eating to stop the buzz of anxiety.  I got to leave the parts that were keeping me from joy in Sonja’s office in Boulder.  She took them from me.  

Miracle.

For more information on Rapid Resolution Therapy, see here.