Today is hard. Not six weeks ago I felt I had the world on a string. Was I too smug? Was I too sure? Had I bought into quick fixes and tricks? Probably and always.
I am sinking. Away from myself, my family, my goals. But work is good. 🙂 No, really it is. The blessing or my work has always been that there is enough and it is mostly challenging and interesting. I can escape from fear and anxiety and make a corner within a corner of my world good.
But work always has to end. I have to close the laptop and go home and face myself. My health. My choices.
The only way through is through. When I am not doing well at work, I know the answer is to stop, evaluate, and work harder. I am not doing well at life. And I have never known how to fix it. What does it mean to stop and evaluate? What does it mean to work harder? I don’t know. I don’t know what is wheat and what is chaff. Do I clean out a closet? Go to the gym? Have the tough conversations? Create an awesome meal plan? I have no idea – they don’t seem like they would help. So now I am doing this – asking the universe for help. I am lost. I am scared. I know gazing at my navel is not the answer – but what is the answer?
So, here’s my plan. Shut down my computer – quit hiding from life. Go home. Clean off a shelf, clean up my studio, create something, make a meal plan, workout, lay out my clothes for the week. Or maybe I will just stay here and work. I don’t know.