Bettering

Dance

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Two weeks ago I had a really bad meltdown.  I became overwhelmed by the “fact” that I could never be anything but a mess.

Let’s go backward a bit.  Many years ago, I saw a therapist who specialized in body image issues and eating disorders.  I don’t want to brag, but therapists love me.  #dontbejel I have pretty crippling body image issues.  They have gotten better over time, but fat is fat.  She was a good therapist and a lot of what she helped me with has stuck.  The memory most prominent in my mind was that she commented on how I was one of the most self-assured fat people she had met.

She said it differently, of course, but that is what she meant.  Most people with a lifetime of fat have self image issues that bleed into their sense of worth in other areas.  I am fat.  But you can bet your bazooka I also am smart, tough, funny, kind.  There is not much anybody could say or do to convince me otherwise.  That shit is hard-wired.

BUT – remind me that I am fat and I remind myself that I am pretty worthless despite being smart, tough, funny, kind.  What kind of moron doesn’t stop being fat?  A colossal moron.  What type of dumb dumb is fat for 30+ years?  A ginormous dumb dumb.

Yet fat I am.  And I never stop being fat.  Every day I am fat.  Every day without end.

Yeah.  So – I’m f’d.  And then breakdown.  That moment when I just couldn’t be in my skin anymore.  I couldn’t survive one more moment with the failure that is me.  No matter how loved I am, I don’t deserve to exist.  No matter how smart, tough, funny, kind I am, I don’t deserve to exist.

Uh, hi, self pity, crazy, irrational train?  Yes, one ticket please.  Sigh.

Luckily I have a wonderful husband.  Who never stops dragging me out of the ditch.  We can do this.  I can do this.  I am worth all the love and the gifts I have been given with my brain, heart, soul.  He forces me to believe it.  (sidebar: I love marriage.)

The journey has been tough the last 2 weeks.  I haven’t kept all of my eating commitments to myself.  I have kept my exercise commitments to myself.

I have signed up for two dance classes.  They seemed like such a good idea when I signed up – exercise + inspiration from Dr. Dance.  But actually going is hard.  But went I did.  Afro aerobics earlier this week.  Ballet tonight.  I am proud.  I am tired.

Baby steps.  Baby ballerina steps.  Bad-ass baby ballerina steps. I’m fat.  But I am alive.  And I dance.  And I am smart, tough, funny, kind.  And I survive.

 

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scrappy, Ta Da Done, working world

Hustle

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I finished this little quilt for my new spacious cubicle.  The actual cross stitch took me frickin’ forever.  I was afraid to use different colors than what the pattern called for, but I didn’t use the midnight blue aida that the pattern called for.  So the finished product is a bit hard to read.

I have had the completed cross stitch poorly framed for a couple years now.  I have a lot more wall space now, so I decided to incorporate into a wee mini quilt.  Love love love the colors.  Love love love the sentiment.  Still hard to read.

I hustle plenty at work.  Thinking I should bring this one home where a bit more hustle might be a good thing.

pouches and bags

Tuesday Two – Issue 2

  1. This Purl Soho tote pattern.  Love, love, love the simplicity and instructions for creating easy to easiest tote.  I made the above tote by lining but not boxing.
  2. This tutorial for creating a boxed corner in a bag.  I HATE the triangle method where you match seams, sew a line and then cut to the seam allowance.  So much neater results for me to cut out a square and then sew shut.  I wish I could find a triangle seam length to corner size converter so when a pattern tells me how long to sew the seam, I can know what size box to cut instead.  Maybe I can try to figure this out myself.  Maybe.

 

 

Color Crush, Ta Da Done

the never-again scarf

I cannot visit pursoho.com without falling in love.  This is the third scarf I have purchased materials for from purl soho because I want to own it, not because I want to make it.  The other two are languishing on knitting needles.

Because this scarf was sewn, not knitted, it got finished.  I made all of the tassels in one tortured Friday night – adorably complaining the whole time.  While my sweet husband kept gently prodding me why I was doing something voluntarily that I hated so much.  Such a good question.

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My purl soho scissors with sweet little lavender tasselsIMG_4582

All 14 of the little bastards made and trapped in plastic because cats.

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Getting proficient enough with my rolled hem foot to finish the scarf was a second night of unhappiness.  But I love the scarf.

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I need to wear the scarf while I have these nails that match it so perfectly.  Well except for the scarf is understated purl soho style and these nails are Dolly Parton over the top.

In Progress

Can’t stop starting

February was not the powerhouse of getting things done that I thought it would be.  I just seemed to stall out in a lot of areas of my life.  But there were some finishes – 2 totes, 2 baby quilts, a pillow, a door hanger, a wall hanging.

It isn’t nothing, but I wish it were more.  My backlog went from 26 to 26.  I counteracted every backlog finish with a new start that wasn’t finished.  I just can’t stop starting.  My mind is full of things I want to do.

So, March.  I want to make 31 scrap blocks and finish 12 projects:

a pretty tassel scarf

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the amazing ombre tessellation quilt

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3 project linus quilts

needlepoint sampler

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succulent hoop

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abstract circles hoop

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tula pink flower hoop

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bind the giant bed quilt

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bind the colorado quilt

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easter eggs – I won’t have them done for easter, but I would like them done for when I pack up the easter decorations.

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It can be done – my strategy is one thing at a time.  One thing at a time.  Starting with what I am dreading most – quilt binding.  grrr.  but then it will be done.  And I won’t feel so silly sending off another quilt to be quilted, thus increasing my binding to do list.