I went the whole night without television. What an inane statement, but still I am proud. DH and I luxuriated in the quiet evening. He is dozing on the couch after a few hours of reading. And I have done a lot of things that I plan to do of an evening (before I end up numb and sprawled on the couch). My smugness is punchable. It gets worse. I have pictures of what I did instead of watching TV.
Ate sushi at our dining room table! It has been awhile since our dining room table has been used for anything other than storage or a place to lay out quilt designs.
Read about floral painting in 18th century France. And I learned the meaning of two new words – haptic and florilegium. I have shopped at a store called Florilegium for many years – so when I exclaimed to DH “Florilegium is a real word!”, it was nice that he kept a straight face.
I worked on the never-ending embroidery project. I am still on N. Still.
It was a good day. I am going to go meditate and then punch myself. Good night!
The longer you work, I think the more possibilities you have of creating something. At least in my case, it doesn’t come through divine touch, it just comes through just work.
For a lot of my life, work was home base. Homework and then working for a living. And then there was the work of making. I have always felt most myself and safest when I retreat to work.
But I have lost some of that. I work enough – and people are always telling me how surprised they are how much quilting I get done. And I am busy at work.
Work is not home base anymore though. I feel my brain is distracted. It is hard for me to accomplish. Part of that is the unavoidable complexity of life. But part of that is the noise I create with dumb TV and dumb smartphone.
My husband has the beautiful little reading nook upstairs. It is quiet. It is peaceful. It reminds me of my great grandmother’s apartment. Bright, quiet, and invitation to play or think or read. I want to create that same space for quiet in my brain and in my home.
I seem to need to recommit to this daily. It no longer comes naturally or easily. It may be too late for me to rewire. All I can do is try. I know, dear reader, you can’t stomach me committing one more time to work and focus. Yet, it helps me. It really does.
This evening I stated to my family that I was never going to play a video game or watch a dumb television show again. The kids witnessed this and looked back down at their phones. The role modeling can’t start soon enough.
Cal Newport has a lot of excellent things to say about focus – and how it can lead to achievement: http://calnewport.com/blog/
Last Saturday, a friend of mine passed away. She was 42. We became friends when we were 13. I still haven’t been able to fully comprehend.
We double-dated to Homecoming, Courtwarming, Prom. I went to Worlds of Fun her inaugural weekend of being a dancing panda. We rode together in her red escort. Windows down, music up. She helped me pull off all four of my 30th birthday parties. I hosted the shower for her first baby. We took a long trip to San Diego and LA together when we were 29. Windows down, music up. We attended each others’ weddings. We knitted together and scrapbooked together. We laughed so much. Our lives intertwined together.
Because of my introversion and generally unrelenting awkwardness, I don’t have a lot of connection to my past. I don’t have friends from college, I had maintained just one friendship from high school. She was this beautiful thread through my life, tethering me to a place and a time as we both created families and worked.
And now she is dead. We had been out of touch the last few years, but not out of each others’ hearts. We e-mailed every couple of months, just to remind each other that although we weren’t in touch, we still thought of each other. A few months ago, the company she worked for folded, so she was looking for a new job. We were strategizing to bring her to the company where I work. The possibility of that always made me smile. Now it makes me so sad.
I really, really don’t want her to be dead. I feel lost. She was one of the best people I have ever known.
When things like this happen, I guess it is natural to reevaluate. I have to strengthen existing friendships or make a new one. Because there is this giant, painful hole. Both mental and palpable. I am not sure where to start – how to move past this constant desire to not have her be dead. I have rejoined facebook. It drives me crazy because I hate conflict and that tenuous line between bragging and sharing, but if I had been on facebook, Laurie and I would have been more connected. I don’t know if that is the right place to start. But I am lost. I am in search of something I will never find.
My work schedule, my life schedule has been wonky now and again for a few weeks. I have been taking a lot of naps and going to bed early and having a strong desire to sleep in. I choose stupid TV and stupid video games over sewing, walking, reading. Yes, totally ringing clanging alarm bells. I know the path out of the hole – exercise, eating right, doing what I love even when I don’t feel like doing it, uninstalling games on my phone, turning off the TV. Just some days are harder than others.
Today was a good day. I got a lot done at work, I am not beating myself up for not being, not doing more. My preference would be to crawl into a time wormhole and have a few hours of uninterrupted sewing, but short of that, my life is getting back to pretty good.
I have been picking back up my epic embroidery project. I started it in April and worked on it for a while, but then stopped. It is an old-fashioned project. Crafts once were being labor-intensive works of dedication. But with the shifts in the focus of our lives, instant craftication (see what I did there?) seems to be everywhere…
I am not casting aspersions. I totally get it. I have the weekends to sew – I want projects that show progress. I want photos for instagram and I want to do lots and lots and lots of projects.
And so it is good for me to do some slow embroidery. Hundreds of french knots in ten different shades of green. Focus, deliberate, plodding. Yes to that. At least some of the time.
Embarrasing revelation: I recently purchased a Tony Robbins audiobook. I am desperate to find the motivation to meet my goals.
I am 42. And that number is meaningful to me because of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series – books I loved in high school. 42 figures predominantly in that story. For no good reason other than that I feel like this is my year to achieve rather than strive, or even worse, just wish.
And I can’t seem to get going. And so I googled motivational books and (of course) Mr. Robbins’ books came up again and again. And the book is so cheesy. and basic. But I keep hearing his voice in my head. I keep telling myself that my decisions decide my future. And then I make the wrong decisions – food that makes me feel crappy, sleeping in late, zoning out instead of creating, distractions subverting my drive.
It is never too late to be better. I sure hope that is true.
“We can change our lives. We can do, have, and be exactly what we wish.” – Tony Robbins
There hasn’t been a picture of a quilt for a looooooong time on this blog, lots of different personal events have prevented me from getting much sewing done at all – in addition to my general slothly ennui that has been hitting me.
BUT this quilt I created for a coworker who is having a baby boy. Her colors are grey and cactus green.
I played with lots of Carolyn Friedlander fabrics – picking up other colors that go with grey and cactus green. I love this quilt… and glad to have one baby quilt done out of my growing list.
A staple of my latest schtick, for anyone who will stick around for my stand-up, is pondering whether my current love of life is genuine or a result of my anti-depressant. I am not sure why it matters, good is good. I am going with it.
Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. And it was fabulous. I visited the museum, had a great dinner, and mastered French Knots. The latter may seem trivial, but it isn’t.
I have a baby quilt list that is very long (4!). I need to get cracking on that, but I am transfixed with this weird embroidery project I have started. I had one vision when I began, but it morphs as I work on it. Right now I am striving for an abstract representation of Missouri Spring. Lots of greens, lots of scrubbiness, a river, some purple trees. It is transfixing me right now.
Lots more to talk about as I get back into the swing of blogging. I got accepted as a Museum Guide at the Nelson-Atkins, I have been trying to learn to meditate, to get behind the waterfall of my thoughts, and I am plotting all kinds of new quilts (in addition to those 4 baby quilts). More on all of that later.
It is spring in Missouri. Blue skies (and Lexapro) ahead.